MOST LUDICROUS DRIVING ACCESSORIES
Yes your car looks ugly, strange and stupid, but don’t you realise it could look EVEN MORE ugly, strange and stupid? You need to slap some garish, pointless. possibly illegal accessories on there pronto. And you are in luck, as the world of car add-ons has evolved beyond the mere bumper sticker or decorative hanging air-freshener. There are some hideous devices out there, just waiting to be purchased and hinder your driving experience.
Now what would be really confusing is if you got the balls AND the eyelashes. That would be a statement. We’re not sure of what, but we’d encourage anyone to try. Turn your motor instantly female by the addition of these plastic lashes to the headlamps. Though both boys and girls have eyelashes, so I’ve never understood why it instantly denotes femininity. Is it solely based on Bugs Bunny cartoons?
CAR RECORD PLAYER
Actually I think this one is pretty cool. Chrysler introduced a vinyl playing device into certain models during the 1950’s. To prevent the record jumping every time you hit a bump or turned a corner, the stylus was weighted and the turntable span at a slower rate. Meaning you could only play specially created discs, rather than your own 45 collection, making the whole endeavour utterly pointless.
Hmm, we’re not sure about this one as I can’t actually find an outlet willing to sell me some Kumho Ecsta Aroma lavender scented tyres. So either the complete ludicrousness of this idea was quickly identified and the product line swiftly halted, or someone is pulling our leg. Rather than your wheels exuding a faint flowery aroma, perhaps seasoning tyres would make more sense. They could sprinkle thyme, sage or a breadcrumb coating every time you hit some roadkill.
FAST FOOD SWIVEL TRAY
Never suffer a greasy lap again! This handy holder fits elegantly into your vehicle’s cup holder (or doesn’t if the reviews are to be believed) and can easily accommodate a hamburger, drink and fries (except it can’t, again, if you read the reviews). According to one of the comments, it’s great for eating hot soup while you’re driving. In other news, you are insane.
EXHAUST VACUUM CLEANER
And in conclusion, the olden days were weird. In 1932, this device hit the market. It used the car’s exhaust system to power a suction driven cleaning device which the scantily clad model in the photograph illustrates. And if the thought of all that cleaning gets too much, you can just flick a switch and you have a handy-dandy suicide machine. And the legacy of a car that smells really fumy.
Now you can be a menace on the roads without any need for any exhausting erratic driving. Programme advertising logos, short messages and pictures of bunnies to appear on your wheels courtesy of computer software which could surely be put to better use. I guess they’d be quite useful if you’re angry AND lazy, so you can broadcast threatening messages to the driver alongside without winding down your window.
HELLO KITTY EXHAUST
Of course, you can get Hello Kitty everything for every part of your body or vehicle. But why you’d like the cute Japanese cat to appear at the end of your tailpipe is beyond me. I suppose that cops will probably think twice about pulling you over if they spot it and imagine the potential interaction they’ll have. And I doubt you’ll have to worry about getting it stolen and having to replace it.
FAKE BASEBALL SHATTERED WINDOW
Lower the resale value of your car, and the everyone else’s opinion of you, instantly with this hilarious novelty that makes it seems as if an errant baseball has smashed your windscreen. Don’t worry about the visibility issues, any accident victims or subsequent police involvement are bound to appreciate the humour. Personally I think a fake basketball or even oversized boulder would be even funnier.
Frustrated by carpool lanes? Or frustrated by long lonely nights on the road? Well, hopefully it’s the first one, as this inflatable car friend is for use in multi-occupancy lanes and not for your sordid carnal needs. Hopefully the authorities, when they are investigating such things, aren’t on the lookout for things like ‘ears’ and ‘arms’.